When There Isn't A Light at the End of the Tunnel, Theres a Glow Telling Me Where to Go

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."
                                                                                                             -Johnathan Davis



Well, as you can probably tell this post is something that I've struggled with my whole life: 

Depression

I couldn't tell you when or why its something I deal, but the fact is...I do. This is the first time I've publicly stated it. Im not asking for responses or "cheer ups", its just something I gotta get off my chest.  

Looking back on my life I could probably point out reasons why I deal with this illness. I mean by age 9, I had experienced the death of my grandfather, the divorce of my parents and an extremely traumatic three months in the hospital.

Let me get this clear: Im not asking for a pity party.

Just like the quote states, depression isn't a state of mind or even a place in life, but an illness. An illness that I deal with on a daily basis. Just because Im smiling, doesn't necessarily mean Im happy. Just because Im laughing, doesn't mean Im not dying on the inside.

But in life, people shrug it off as something that I will deal with and be over it. Anyone who suffers from depression knows that is not the case. If you don't suffer from it, you probably won't understand it. 

Growing up, my depression led me to be suicidal...something else that no one knew, not even my family....I can remember my earliest memory of dealing with it was when I was 4...right after my Grandfather had died. For some reason, I had come up with the idea to make a noose out of scotch tape and tape it to my ceiling. When my mom came into my room she asked what I was doing....I replied with "I want to go see Papa". Thats not normal for a 4 year old. During my teenage years, I picked up drinking which always led me to a dark spot, which usually ended up in cutting or some other self-destructive action.

I have learned to live with my depression, and some days are better than others. I am no longer suicidal....and I can tell you why.

When I say Jesus saved my life, I mean it both spiritually and physically. If I weren't walking through life with Him by my side, I would've given up a while ago. You see depression snuffs out the light at the end of the tunnel....but the light of Jesus always gives me soft glows of light that directs my life. Life with depression isn't easy by any means, but the glow from Christ, though soft as it may be, tells me to keep going. 

Just recently I had a friend, whom I trust and love like a brother. Unfortunately, the depression has caused a wedge in the friendship. With that though, God is teaching me constantly to lean on Him and not people, including those Im closest to. I will keep going and I still love my friend unconditionally.

Its the small things that trigger my depression...fear of the future, having broken relationships/friendships, or just bad days. It's small things and big things...but I have faith that My God is Bigger. He is always there, even when people aren't. He is the Great the Comforter. He is Unconditional Love.

Like I mentioned before, I don't ask for a pity party. I do though ask for prayer. I know with Christ in me, I have the ability to overcome this illness. Just pray that He continues to give me strength, peace and understanding.

Much love to you all!!!